Being pregnant for the first time in my life is surreal – especially as we didn’t really expect our donor egg cycle with my sister to work.
But right from the day of the embryo transfer we decided we would assume and hope that it had worked, and then face the music if it didn’t.
It’s a bit like the adage it is is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
Now we are pregnant, it starts a whole new ball game; worrying about keeping the pregnancy and hoping that nothing goes wrong.
We decided to try to adopt the same attitude as when we were waiting to see if the embryo transfer had worked. That is; to embrace this pregnancy and embrace the wonder of having got this far for the first time.
But today I started bleeding at work. It was heavy and accompanied by a soft thudding ache – a bit like mild period pain.
I was terrified and rang the nurses, who advised me to get to the hospital, have a blood test and then take it easy for the rest of the day at home.
I did all of that and finally got myself home to collapse onto the sofa feeling very heartbroken with a hot water bottle. I watched ‘Selling Houses Australia – Extreme’ (I love my high brow telly) while I waited for the phonecall. The program featured a lovely solo mum with three kids who had just found out she had rheumatoid arthritis and had to sell the home she planned to renovate as she was too ill to carry on. Watching her positive attitude in the face of a pretty grim outlook cheered me up. If she can battle on against the odds and put on a brave face then so could I.
The blood test results finally came through as fine – the pregnancy hormone is at a good level, as is the progesterone.
The nurse said it is too early to tell if I am losing this pregnancy or if I am simply having ‘a bit of a bleed’. She said to take the day off tomorrow, take it very easy over the weekend, and go in for my 6-week scan as previously planned, next Wednesday.
I feel absolutely shattered – like I have been holding my breath all day. I feel like the bleeding has been way too heavy for this pregnancy to be still viable. But it seems to have petered out over the last few hours.
So we will continue to imagine that it is ongoing and that we expect everything to be alright. It is a bit like falling in love – absolutely terrifying to begin with – but if everything goes the way we would love it to – the best reward in the world.