Blog about having premature ovarian failure and trying donor IVF with my sister's eggs

Having a miscarriage was what it took for us to get the support we needed for our infertility.

Our miscarriage (last month) followed five years of infertility after I was diagnosed with premature ovarian failure. I was told I had already gone through menopause when I was 35. A horrible diagnosis – with the added horrible side effect of infertility.

Being infertile is weird as there is massive loss but nothing tangible to grieve over. You can’t tell a workmate you feel dreadful because you are infertile. You don’t labour with your friends or family over feeling empty and broken-hearted as it just gets boring.

On the other hand, having a miscarriage gives you something to cry over. Our yoga teachers knew; our bosses knew, our close friends and family knew. Their sympathy and thoughtfulness bouyed us in our grief and helped mend some wounds.

Infertiles you know may seem to handle everything just fine but they need your support and help in the same way anyone grieving a loss does. Being asked how they are or acknowledging their loss goes a long way towards comforting infertiles in their (long) time of loss.

For a basic understanding of infertility
What is infertility? Resolve website

Background on National Infertility Awareness Week® (NIAW)
National Infertility Awareness Week (US) April 24-30

For those interested in taking part in the infertility myth challenge


Comments on: "Infertility myth: No real loss so no real grief" (4)

  1. It is true. But i think I would rather be an unsupported infertile than have to go through a miscarriage. Either way, it is rubbish.

  2. Barren Lazza said:

    Yes the whole thing is shit any way you look at it or experience it!

  3. I’m so glad you were able to get some support.

    Those around us focus on all my pregnancy losses but to be honest, I think they’re focusing on the wrong thing – for me, the possibility that we’ll never have children is far worse than having lost some pregnancies. The people around us seem to think that part is just all going to get magically cleared up.

    • Yes, I agree it’s that loss which is the worst.

      That’s why I got so angry with an ex-friend of mine who got pregnant very quickly twice but sadly lost her pregnancies.

      She asked me at that time if what I had gone through (early menopause and a vague chance I may have children with my sister’s donor eggs after years of infertility) was as bad as her loss of two pregnancies.

      I was astonished at her thoughtless observation. It’s very likely she will get pregnant again and have a child but that it’s very likely that I never will. Once I run out of the embryos made with my sister’s donor eggs, the chance will no longer be there at all. That loss (of never being able to have children) is huge.

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