Blog about having premature ovarian failure and trying donor IVF with my sister's eggs

Given that we have waited so long for this baby I am carrying, and that we have had so many disappointments and jumped through so many hoops to get this far; I wonder if we will have a different attitude to sleepless nights, pooey nappies, endless screaming, loss of income and independence etc?

Unlike my husband and I, the vast majority of women I know (apart from infertiles I have met here online) have fallen pregnant at the snap of their fingers. Their subsequent babies are much loved, but motherhood for many is tinged with varying taints of unhappiness, depression and resentment.

I was reminded of this when we met up with a friend and her husband this weekend, who have a one-year-old daughter. My friend was saying that she couldn’t wait to get back to work after her baby’s birth and that, while she adores her daughter, she would be driven crazy if she had to stay home with her because of the challenges involved with having a child.

I am fascinated to find out how we will find parenthood, given our long struggle to conceive. Will we experience the same as what most of the parents I know have experienced or will we treasure every minute of unpleasantness of difficulty?

Does anyone have any insights on this?

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Comments on: "Does waiting for a baby make the heart grow fonder?" (6)

  1. I don’t think that it makes a difference. Pretty much all the women I know have suffered post natal depression of some form or another, some very mild others worse. But the depression is a combination of hormones and fatigue and I don’t think we are any more immune to that than anyone else. In fact we might suffer it worse because we’ll have the guilt of knowing how much we wanted children making any, natural, moment of depression feel hideously self-inflicted.

  2. Yes, you are right about all of the above. I guess no-one knows if they’re going to be badly afflicted with postnatal depression until after the birth or not – as you say, it’s all down to hormones which are powerful little suckers. Being post menopausal, I know what it’s like to be deprived of eostrogen – what a massive difference it made to my body and my mind. it’ll be no different after birth I’d imagine – eeek – better start preparing myself now!!

  3. So we tried for two years (a blip in many cases!). Before my son was born I thought I would be such a great mom because I would appreciate him more than other people. I would know how special he was. How lucky we are.

    After the birth I had this amazing wave of guilt. I had tried so hard to get here! And I was sad! Really, really sad. When he was born, I loved him, was so relieved he was safely delivered … but this euphoric wave of emotion? I didn’t feel that. I was mostly shocked. Shocked is about the best word to describe those first weeks/months. And if anyone asked me how I was doing I felt like crying.

    And no one talked about it. I loved my kid but I felt this amazing responsibility and for all my planning I felt like I was failing (flailing) even though I really wasn’t. I had baby blues for about two weeks and felt … uneven? A surging lack of confidence? For about 8 months. The first two weeks were the most depressed I ever was, and I was never bad enough to need medication or anything. But I DEFINITELY did not expect the baby blues, and they are powerful.

    • Hi Stacy

      Thanks for your comment. It’s really interesting to hear what it was like for you when you first had your baby after trying for a while.

      No doubt I’ll experience similar emotions as many new parents seem to. By reading comments like yours, I guess I can at least begin preparing myself, rather than thinking it is all going to be sweetness and light!

      thank you x

  4. I remember feeling so utterly out of my depth when my first was born – This instant and unbreakable all-consuming attachment that I was expecting to feel just didn’t happen.. Instead I was there holding some wierd little mewling bundle of arms and legs and fumbling through things with an overwhelming sense of bewilderment wondering how on earth I’d gotten there.
    The other mothers in the ward all seemed to know what was going on and were so confident about things.. Mostly I felt out of the loop. Awkwardly trying not to break the fragile, and ultimately precious new focus of my life. Marinating in baby hormones doesn’t help, no matter how the baby was conceived – we all find ways to torture ourselves emotionally and feel guilty and inadequate.

    I didn’t really feel more comfortable until I got home – the staff in the maternity ward were just lovely, but the environment there is purely baby-centric from a medical perspective – it’s not really until you tuck them into that little baby-shaped hole in your lives that you start understanding them as a tiny person and start really connecting with them.

    Things will be fine, however things are for you. 🙂

    • Hi Noiz

      Thanks for your honesty – it’s great to hear your experience and thoughts. I know you aren’t the only person to felt like this – I’ve heard more of this type of feedback from my friends and family who have already had babies, than the ‘instant bonding’ experience. But eventually everyone has settled down into parenthood and (mostly!) loved it!

      I can’t wait for day this baby is born – no matter whether it brings a squawling, red-faced, insistent babe or a quiet sleepy one – and whether it reduces me to a depressed detached mum who may take a while to bond, or an estatic one who instantly bonds – hopefully my hormones will equip me to be able to cope with either eventuality.

      Laurax

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