Blog about having premature ovarian failure and trying donor IVF with my sister's eggs

Sometimes I feel like I’m on a business trip away as the room I am staying in is like a hotel room as it has a big double bed, a tv, and small table and chairs and an ensuite.

But there are small differences, like the sound of babies crying, hand sanitizers on the walls and a little emergency button I can push if I need help from a nurse.

My daughter and I spend the days together in our room but at night she goes with the nurses who look after and feed her overnight while I sleep.

We are in a hospital that specialises in looking after women with postnatal depression. I’ll probably be here for a few weeks at least while the team of psychiatrists, specialists and nurses help me get better.

It all happened rather fast; one day I was estatic at the birth of my baby and the next I was freaking out that I couldn’t look after my baby, that I’d accidentally hurt her and that my husband and her both might die. I was so anxious that I could hardly lift her and I spent all my days crying inconsolably.

After a week, my lactation consultant asked me to go in to see her and when she did; said she wanted to bring me back to hospital as she was so worried about me.

So here we are a week later. I’m feeling much better but still have a very long way to go before I begin to feel halfway normal again.

There are myriad reasons for why I have ended up with PND and I’ll explore them gradually over coming posts.

Meanwhile our beautiful baby is thriving and growing more gorgeous every day.

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Comments on: "In hospital with postnatal depression" (6)

  1. I hope you make a speedy recovery. I am very happy that you are shareing this part of your journey too. There are so many out there that suffer alone and after IVF, it makes it even harder for other to understand and even hard for those who suffer to speak out.
    I wish you the very best and I am happy you are haveing the help to recover. You are a good mother and after all you have been through to get here you are still brave enough to share.
    May you find it in yourself to believe just how good a mother you are.

    • thanks so much. I feel like such a crap ungrateful mother as I have this beautiful, most longed for baby, but am in such a bad fragile state that I can’t fully enjoy her being here yet. but I know it will come and I have the best of help around me all the time xx

  2. tiggyjane said:

    You are amazing barrenlazza. I love your honesty and I can completely understand why you are feeling that way. You have strength, warmth and courage and will be purely wonderful when things settle in. I am about to embark on my egg donor IVF journey and I know I have such massive expectations for feeling brilliant when we have our long awaited baby too and I am grateful for all your insights. Be true. xxx

  3. Speranza said:

    I’m sorry you are having such a challenging time Laz but it sounds like you are in the best place possible for you and your gorgeous girl. I am also glad you are sharing this side of the journey, the one without the rose coloured glasses that we can all come to expect after a long journey. But I know you and your beautiful family will go from strength to strength.
    Much love,
    Michelle xx

    • thanks for your sweet words. i feel terribly guilty to be feeling like this when i am the lucky one to have a wee baby. but i know it won’t last forever and its just the depression talking and i’ll feel better soon

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