Blog about having premature ovarian failure and trying donor IVF with my sister's eggs

Since having our little girl, I feel guilty about just about everything.

I feel guilty to be feeling so down when I have such a beautiful little girl to hold and cherish – finally after all these years. Having tried for so long, I know I am one of the lucky ones to have finally conceived and got through a pregnancy to have our daughter so how selfish is it that I now feel like this?

I also feel guilty that I am splitting up my family and making this so tough on my husband, who goes to work, comes to visit, feeds the baby, then drives home, walks the dog and makes his own dinner and lunch for the next day before he falls into bed and begins the whole cycle again the next day of spending half his life in the car with no respite and support for himself.

I also feel guilty that I am in hospital getting all this help when there are other mums and dads out there who need the help just as much as me.

I feel guilty for making my family and friends worry about me being in hospital in a far away country where they can’t visit me.

Guilt is a horrible feeling and dwelling on these things just makes me feel worse. But I know other mums with postnatal depression feel the same and that it is just the depression making us feel like this. When I am better the guilt will be gone and I’ll be able to feel grateful rather than guilty.

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Comments on: "Guilt and postnatal depression" (10)

  1. Darling, I would walk across hot coals to be with you both each night. Never guilt where you and I are concerned.

    x

  2. Look up motherhood in the dictionary and it brackets it will have the words “guilt” next to it. I can only imagine PND is magnifying this by a million!? Thank you so much for you honest blogs Laura, l feel like l am reliving my first born. He is 4 now and l still lie in bed every night and go through the guilt list!? You have every right and deserve to be exactly where you are and know that we are all thinking about you and you are touching more lives than you will ever know.

    • Hi Sall
      Thanks sweetie. I’m sorry you are reliving your first born – did you have PND do you think? If so, well done for getting through it – you are a star in so many ways xxx

  3. As a mother I have felt guilty and doubted myself many many times, I think it is just part of being a careing mother. We question our methods our mothering skills frequently, espesialy when it is our first child, I know I did. Depresion is a black cloak that many of us wear, invisable to others but, as thick and heavy as lead to those of us that are surounded by it. Every day a fog clouds our minds and distorts our view of the world around us but, eventuly, that fog starts to clear, small glimmers of light start to shine through that thick blac cloak and slowly, very slowly at first, it beings to disapear. It might nect leave us completely but, with the help and suport of others and sometimes medication, we do get through it.

    Maybe there is a suport group for your husband, he isnt the only husband to be going through this and he needs help to understand what you are all going through, depression isnt an illness that only effects one member of a family , it effects everyone. Ask one of your care givers, maybe they know of one or, maybe they know of another partner who could do with some one to talk to, someone who is also suporting a family member with depresion and a new baby.

    You will come through this, you will wake up in your bed again, you will make dinner and lunch again. Believe in yourself, you have an illness that can be helped, you will recover and go home again soon.

    • gosh, it sounds like you are speaking from experience! i hope you haven’t suffered too badly yourself and if so, that you got help for it. you’re right – there seem to be too many women who suffer horribly from depression and only some of us get the help we need.

      the hospital i’m staying at offers lots of support to partners and husbands. they have a weekly group counselling session (although lots of men shy away from these as they tend to prefer one on one counselling which is also offered). My husband seems to be hanging in there ok and I think the counselling is helping him which is great.

      thanks so much again for your support and sweet words xxx

      • Yes I speak from experience, that is how I KNOW you will get through this. It takes time to get there but, you will get through this. You are a stronger than you believe you are.

  4. tiggyjane said:

    Whilst we don’t know each other, I feel I know you and am feeling a bundle of you pain right now. At least, I would like to take a bundle of it off your shoulders. I am sure it is super tough trying not to go down the mine on how you feel about everything but this is going to pass. I never suffered depression until I started going through the years of IVF and disappointment and yet…. at some point, it all dissolves, you know who you are again, are no longer obsessed by your every waking thought and suddenly it all feels like a distant memory. This will fade eventually and life will go on. Hold you head high lovely woman. xx

    • thanks so much – I feel we have got to know each other well too. yes, depression visited me during the IVF years too as well as when I was coming to terms with having premature ovarian failure and our miscarriage, so it is no stranger. but this is the first time i’ve got help for it so maybe it is a blessing in disguise.

  5. Just keep reminding yourself it is the hormones.

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